Monday, November 9, 2009
I'm a little irritated today. Irritated because some things just don't work out exactly the way I want them to all of the time. Today is one of those days. A day that gets under my skin, gnaws at my gut, and reminds me that I can't and won't ever be fully in control of everything. That...that little fact...really seems to put a damper on things. Today the fact that I have Lupus is bringing me down. And I've refused for many years to allow the "L" word to sink it's teeth into my psyche or my soul. But today is different because today I find it hard to hold a pen or even type this post. Today the Lupus is attacking the bones in my hands and well, it just really sucks. I've dropped so many things in the past 24 hours that I've stopped counting. I've winced in pain as I tried to grab the bag of groceries from the guy at Giant. And I've gulped down a ton of Motrin trying to forget that my hands are fighting a battle that is ongoing and downright irritating. But more than anything, I feel a little bit defeated when I get like this. Is this really how it's going to be? Am I going to allow something like Lupus control my destiny and my life? And more importantly, do I have a choice? I'm saying YES. Yes I have a choice and yes I'm going to be fine. Because that's the path I choose. The hand thing? This will pass. Just like the knee sitch passed a few weeks ago. And the neck sitch, and the hip sitch, and the eye sitch, etc., etc., etc. They all came and went and I was still left here..."just plain Nancy". The Lupus won't be a part of who I am...it'll just be a gnat flying around my head as I trek through life. But some days...gosh, some days that gnat just keeps buzzing a little too close to my ear.