Thankful.

It's Thanksgiving Day 2009. My house smells yummy and I'm getting ready to get the car packed with all my homemade treats and head up to my brother's house for the big feast. And so begins the holiday.

Today I awoke feeling older and wiser. I used to not really care about Thanksgiving. It was just that pain-in-the-butt day before Black Friday when I was in limbo waiting for all the big sales to start. But today...today is different. I feel...thankful. Yeah, I know, it's nothing too creative or earth shattering due to the fact that Facebook is CRAMMED with every one's reasons for being blessed and today is the "normal" day everyone stops to give thanks. But even if today weren't Thanksgiving I think I'd feel this way. You see, I watched this movie called Mammoth last night. And Mammoth changed me. It opened my eyes - even more - to the fact that I'm am so extremely lucky to be able to be home with Zeke as he grows up. I won't summarize the movie - go watch it if you have any interest because it really is moving and amazing. But I will say, that as a "stay-at-home-mom" (that title always cracks me up because as so many people know who try to call me and can never get me, I'M NEVER AT HOME!!!), the movie Mammoth sent my brain reeling into that mode of "Oh my God, thank God I'm here with my kid, walking through life with him, giving him everything he needs, and being his rock." At one time, many many centuries ago, I never thought I'd ever want a child. I thought that my life was great just working, having my pups, having lots of money and cool cars and going to dinners and movies and shopping and blah, blah, blah. Then Zeke came along. And my work seemed meaningless if someone else was raising him. So I quit. And we didn't have as much money, but we still felt rich. Even richer, actually, because we all smiled a whole lot more.

Fast forward four years. Yeah, if I had been working these past four years we may have lots more in savings, lots more in our retirement and tons more "stuff". But my child would also have been raised by a stranger. He wouldn't ask for me when he knocked his front tooth out or when he got road rash on his knees and elbows. I wouldn't have been there to see him write his name for the first time. I wouldn't have held his hand as we strolled through tons of museums and libraries and sat through movies together eating buttery popcorn. And I wouldn't have been the one to hug him tight when something thrilled him, scared him, chilled him or just simply moved him to say "I love you".

I'm thankful, eternally, to God, my husband, and to my Zeke for opening my eyes to Thanksgiving. It's real and it's powerful. And it's not all about the countdown to the big sales. Imagine that.

Lemonhead

Tomorrow Zeke and I have to take all three of the dogs to the vet. Two people, three canines...going to the vet. Doesn't sound like a recipe for goodness. Otto may already have an idea based on the fact that he's half human and probably peeked at the calendar hanging on my fridge. Timmy is clueless and won't realize what's going on until Dr. Jane sticks a needle the size of his leg into his back. And Simon? Let's just say that Sy won't go down without a fight (and a tiny little muzzle - get out the hair scrunchie).

On a brighter note: this evening I was finally able to pick my first lemon off of my Mother's Day Lemon Tree. I've been waiting for about 150 days (literally) to pick this lemon and I've never tasted something so sour but so sweet. That tree was given to me out of love, I've nurtured it and babied it since I saw it, and to see it so happy and so healthy makes me smile. It's tiny little things like a homegrown lemon that count people...really, they do.

Thieves like us.

Today's weather put me in such a good mood. It was sunny and 70 - the perfect day to get outside and rake some leaves, plant some ornamental cabbages, and tidy up the front of the house. My puppies and my boys were out there with me and the sun was shining down on us as if there wasn't a problem in the world. Sounds idyllic, huh? Well, don't be fooled. My bubble was burst a few nights ago and since then, I've been walking around with a big chip on my shoulder. Here's the deal: 8 years ago, Pauly and I moved to this neighborhood because we loved the fact that it was quiet and peaceful and that we had a really pretty horse farm backing up to our property. We fell in love with the land and the house and the views and decided we'd take a chance and make it ours. Well, on Friday night both of our vehicles were robbed. You see, it's sooooo quiet and peaceful around here, that we tend to leave our cars out of the garage, unlocked and sometimes even with the windows rolled down! It was always just "that type of neighborhood". Not anymore. Now it's one of "those types of neighborhoods". Ya' know...the type that has thieves walking around in them. How pathetic. How disgusting. And really, how life-changing. Now, it's really no big deal when I think about what they took: my iPod, my GPS, some gift cards, Pauly's laptop, etc. All of the items stolen can and will be replaced. What can't be replaced is that feeling of "wow, what a great place this is to live in". I no longer feel that way. Now I'm nervous. Now I'm checking and double-checking the doors at night. Now I'm parking in the garage. Now I'm leaving bright lights on outside and disturbing the nocturnal wildlife that used to hang around our property in the faint light of the moon. It's sad. And it's unnatural. We should all be able to co-exist and live peacefully - with each other and with the animals around us. But somewhere along the way it has gotten all muddled up. And in that muddled mess, fear has been bred. I just don't know how to explain to the next generation why we need to acknowledge that fear and slap locks on everything. Because really, I don't believe we should have to.

*sigh*

I'm a little irritated today. Irritated because some things just don't work out exactly the way I want them to all of the time. Today is one of those days. A day that gets under my skin, gnaws at my gut, and reminds me that I can't and won't ever be fully in control of everything. That...that little fact...really seems to put a damper on things. Today the fact that I have Lupus is bringing me down. And I've refused for many years to allow the "L" word to sink it's teeth into my psyche or my soul. But today is different because today I find it hard to hold a pen or even type this post. Today the Lupus is attacking the bones in my hands and well, it just really sucks. I've dropped so many things in the past 24 hours that I've stopped counting. I've winced in pain as I tried to grab the bag of groceries from the guy at Giant. And I've gulped down a ton of Motrin trying to forget that my hands are fighting a battle that is ongoing and downright irritating. But more than anything, I feel a little bit defeated when I get like this. Is this really how it's going to be? Am I going to allow something like Lupus control my destiny and my life? And more importantly, do I have a choice? I'm saying YES. Yes I have a choice and yes I'm going to be fine. Because that's the path I choose. The hand thing? This will pass. Just like the knee sitch passed a few weeks ago. And the neck sitch, and the hip sitch, and the eye sitch, etc., etc., etc. They all came and went and I was still left here..."just plain Nancy". The Lupus won't be a part of who I am...it'll just be a gnat flying around my head as I trek through life. But some days...gosh, some days that gnat just keeps buzzing a little too close to my ear.

Weenie meanies.

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted. Life moves fast when you're in the left lane, I suppose. In my mind, I try to stay in neutral..ya' know..look around, smell the roses, that sort of thing..but in reality I think I'm always zipping about trying to accomplish this, that, and the other thing. If I'm not actually doing something, I'm THINKING about what I'm GOING to be doing in the near future. But that's a story for a later date.

So, what's new news here, you ask? Halloween '09 happened. I found the actual Halloween night to be a MAJOR, COMPLETE, TOTAL bomb. Lucky for Zeke, he had about 3 or 4 other events before the 31st to celebrate and wear his costume. I, on the other hand, just didn't get my fill of the 'Weenie. To start off, it rained. Ok, I've trick-or-treated in the rain before and still scored tons of loot. Rain can be dealt with. But here's what made the night really lame: Zeke and I were the only people out on our street knocking on doors. One guy didn't even know why we were at his doorstep!!!! It was a very awkward moment - my kid and me standing there, hands out, smiling big, and this guy in his lounge wear looking at us with a puzzled stare. WHAT DID HE THINK "TRICK OR TREAT" MEANT????? OH MY GOD. By the time we got home, we were wet, sweaty (because it was a humid, muggy, rainy night and God knows we have to walk like 26 miles to get to 7 houses around here....SO not worth it) and in horrible moods. The one thing I knew would cheer both Zeke and me up was the dumping of the candy onto the kitchen table and the celebration of the score. So, we took off our wet gear, put away the flashlights, and ran for the kitchen with the goodie bag. Zeke dumped the HUMONGOUS bag onto the table as we all held our breath and.................................6 candy bars dropped out. 6. SIX. Six. SIIIIIXXXXX. And about 4 of them were tiny little bite sized bars. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. What was the point of this 'Weenie Mission? Why did we even trek all around our neighborhood, knocking on doors, making small talk, showing off the costume, etc., etc.??? I mean, I had an entire bowl of enormous Snickers bars sitting at the front door just waiting for some Michael Jackson Ghosts or Transformers to show up and hold out their goody bags! Couldn't I have simply filled Zeke's bag up with our own stash? The answer is simple: no. Halloween is about getting out there and visiting your neighbors. Not texting them, not emailing them, not phoning them, and not simply waving to them as you do 40 m.p.h. past their driveway in a rush to get to your next appointment. It's a time to pretend - a time for the kids to pretend they're someone or something else and for us parents to pretend we actually have the time to stand on each others' doorsteps and chat for a bit. And that's why next year, despite the 6 tiny little candy bars in Zeke's huge bag, we'll still be out there all alone in our neighborhood, knocking on doors and saying "Happy Halloween".